Never Again
by MitziMo
Summary: Elena's thoughts on the previous happenings on the show. A one-shot but if you want me to I'd be glad to continue the story.


Never had she felt such hatred before. Never had she felt this _rage_ boiling inside of her body.

She knew there was only one way to let these feelings go – she had to confront him. And there were no decent shortcuts to use, unless she wanted to fall handlessly into the blackness that only she experienced. Her _personal_ blackness. That was what she called it. Whenever she felt the loneliness and betrayal tug at the edges and rip the hole in her chest even more open than it already was, she faded away from reality and drifted off to that place that she wished she could always be at and wished could go away forever at the same time.

When she met Stefan that night so long ago and told him about the way she felt the car spin around, twisting in every way possible to finally crash into the river – submerging under the surface – she felt whole. More whole than she had felt for a long time. He felt the same way – he could relate to it. Even though he had lost his parents almost one and a half century ago, the pain was still…there. When he woke up every morning he wanted nothing more than to go back in time and undo what was impossible to erase from history. He couldn't erase it, because then he would erase himself. If he hadn't accidentally wounded his father and fed on his blood, he would have slowly faded into the shadows and merged with them. And then when his soul was bare with no body to be connected to, he would be gone forever.

Elena loved him deeply. She would do anything for him. She didn't have to think twice about bending down to the cold, wet ground and crouch over Stefan and bare her wrist to feed him her blood – to _save_ him. If she hadn't endured the pain she felt when his sharp fangs pierced her skin, no one could have stopped her from falling down into the blackness and choke on it, it just wouldn't have been possible. She'd be lost forever.

And then Damon entered her life.  
Sweet, caring, broken Damon. She didn't think of him like that when they first met; at first he was just her boyfriend's mysterious brother, and then he turned into the person she hated most. And without her really knowing how it happened, she finally started loving him. She wasn't _in _love with him, but she still loved him. Like a brother or a very good friend – her _best_ friend. Whenever she needed to talk about something that she couldn't talk to Stefan about, she went to him.  
He really did all in his power to protect Elena from anything that could possibly hurt her. He was like her shield that protected her no matter what.

But then the happiness she wanted to last forever was shattered by a long-gone enemy who returned to the small town. She made Stefan seriously reconsider his choice – Elena or Katherine? – and if Damon wasn't damaged before, he _really_ was now. He snapped her dear brother Jeremy's neck and did most definitely not think twice about it. That resulted in her trust for him broken, and the feeling of being whole vanished instantly.

Then the trust broke into a million small sharp pieces. But those pieces remained, like dust that covered her whole existence and reminded her that a small part of it was still there – haunting her subconscious – and made itself known every now and then.

That made her feel guilt. Mostly because she had used him and afterwards told him he had lost her forever, and she knew that wasn't entirely true. Damon Salvatore would always have a special place in her heart.

When Katherine returned, everything turned into living Hell. A _nightmare_. Everything she was before now disappeared and was replaced by a whole different person. Someone who wasn't easy to love, and wouldn't love anyone back. She knew it had happened, but it took a while until anyone else noticed. She wanted to tell them that she wanted to let go and that they had to do so, too. But it was as if she was a prisoner in her own body – she just couldn't do it.

The feeling of being whole was replaced. She was now feeling cold and empty. Not even the best sewers could put the pieces of her shattered heart together again.

She had promised that she wouldn't let anyone close enough to break her, but she made the mistake to fall in love anyway.

_Never again_.


End file.
